St. Nick was one tough hombre.

Mugshot of Suspect: Bishop Nicholas of Myra


Mugshot of Suspect: Bishop Nicholas of Myra.
Used under fair use guidlines – (c) Anand Kapoor, 2004
(Click the photo for more images from stnicholascenter.org)

Ladies and gentlemen, the report you are about to read is true. Only some names have been changed to protect the innocent…

Nicea Police Department – Crime Report

Date: On or about May 20, 325 AD

Offense: Assualt & Battery                                                       Case Number: 1225

1. Victim: Arius, Presbyter of Alexandria, Egypt

DOB: UD, 250 AD or 256 AD     National Origin: Central-North African

S: Male     Ht.: UK     Wt.: UK  Skin: Dark to Olive color

Other: Facial Hair – full beard; described as “tall and lean, of distinguished appearance and polished address.”

Previous Arrests & Torture: N/A

2. Suspect: Nicholas, Bishop of Myrna, Region of Lycia

DOB: UD, 270 AD     National Origin: Greece

S: Male      Ht.: 5′ 6″      Wt: 160 – 200 lbs.  Skin: Olive

Other: Facial hair – full beard; previously broken nose

Previous Arrests & Torture: During the persecution of Christians under Roman Emperor Diocletian

3. Disposition: Arrest

4. Incident Summary:

Presbyter Arius of Alexandria, Egypt reported that Bishop Nicholas of Myra (aka Nikolaos of Myra) did intentionally assault and batter him in the presence of multiple witnesses on or about the start of the Emperor’s church council in 325 AD. Witnesses included his royal highness, Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus Augustus (aka Constantine I), Emperor of Rome, along with over 300 bishops, other clergy, scribes, servants, and attendees.

Presbyter Arius stated to officers that he was attending the First Ecumenical Council of Nicea to defend his position on the Trinitarian controversy over the nature of The Son, Jesus Christ, and his relationship to God the Father. Arius contended that Jesus as the Son of God was not the eternal God, but rather was created by God the Father – a denial of the more widely accepted concept of the Trinity.

Bishop Nicholas took issue with Arius’ position. He rejected the view of Arius and his followers that “there was once that when he was not” and was of the attendees arguing for the co-eternity of the Son with the Father. Also rejected was the position that Jesus was  “mutable or subject to change” in his essence. Bishop Nicholas agreed with those who maintained that the Son just like the Father was beyond any form of weakness or corruptibility, and most importantly that he could not fall away from absolute moral perfection.

At some unspecified point, the scholarly debate turned into an argument, and the victim along with mutiple witnesses from the assembled council (see supplement to this report to be filed later) stated that Bishop Nicholas did use his right hand or fist to punch or slap Arius, causing the victim to fall to the floor. Seeing the alleged offence, the Emperor and assembled bishops had Bishop Nicholas taken into custody, stripped of his bishop’s garments,  and thrown in prison to cool off.

Upon interview of the prisoner by this reporting officer, Bishop Nicholas admitted the offense done “out of love for Jesus Christ.” He stated he had grown tired of Arius’ insults to Christ’s full divinity. Further legal action is pending, but Bishop Myra is expected to return to his duties upon the request of Emperor Constantine in his role as Pontifex Maximus,  the high priest of the College of Pontiffs of Rome.

It should be noted that the suspect has reportedly been involved in previous altercations and incidents of public controversy, including but not limited to: saving young women from slavery, protecting sailors, sparing innocents from excecution, providing grain in a famine, and the rescue of a kidnaped boy.

Artist rendition of the alleged offense.

Artist rendition of the alleged offense.

Form NPD-CR1                           Reporting Officer: Centurion A. Brutus 

Happy Feast of St. Nicholas, December 6th!

© 2012 The Rev. Louis Florio. All content not held under another’s copyright may not be used without permission of the author.
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Filed under Church History, Liturgical Year, Uncategorized

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